Relationship Advice: Understanding Perspective - Importance of Individuality

Its important to see the world with a different perspective. Sometimes, we literally need to stand up, as Robin Williams did, in the 1988 drama film, Dead Poet's Society.

Perspective can mean different things to different people. What does it mean to you?

When we see the world through our own lens; in terms of needs and wants. We lose the opportunity to see the world for what it is. For its diversity.

Billions of people exist on this planet; sharing a vast array of differences in opinion from anything and everything under the Sun. Its what makes us all uniquely individual. Otherwise, we would all be carbon copies. No different than the stack of papers in your photocopy machine. Of course, we would serve a functional purpose to reproduce, eat and just be. What life would that be?

Some people may not articulate themselves as constructively as others. Their perspective may appear flawed or lacking reason as a result of their communication skills.

On the same token, just becomes someone is great at bringing issues to the table. It does not necessarily mean that their perspective is legit. Your perspective, as dysfunctional as it may seem to you; may be just as valid as theirs. Your perspective may have not received fair judgement; only because you were not able to convince the other of your perspective.

To further illustrate this concept of an unfair judgement. Imagine you hired a lawyer. An affordable lawyer to handle a classic case of hit and run. In this scenario, you are completely oblivious to the fact that you just hit another car. How can that be possible? Because you did not hit another car.

What happened was that someone rear ended your car. That individual then made a report against you at a collision center. This was before you were even aware of the minor damages on your car. It was late night. The next morning, your spouse's SUV was used to pick up your flight tickets. Your car was left with the damage facing the garage door.

Upon arrival two weeks later from your vacation; an unfortunate surprise awaits. A letter from a lawyer accusing you of hit and run. As any law abiding citizen convicted of a crime would do; you defend yourself against the false accusation.

Lets say the person who committed this crime was a professional fraudster with ties. Meanwhile, you live on a modest retirement income. As such, your friend, a recent graduate from law school is recruited to handle your case. Your friend wears his black coat and white uniform with bow tie.

Legal proceedings are based on three fundamentals.

1) The lawyer with the best argument for his or her case wins

2) The lawyer most able to convince the Judge and Jury in favor of his or her Defendant or Plantiff wins.

3) The Plantiff or Defendant who recruits the lawyer with a good track record wins. Most likely these lawyers have the most favorable results for clients.

To make a long story short; the Plantiff falsely proves that you, the Defendant, committed the crime. You are fined and prohibited from driving for two years. In addition, you, are sentenced to two months of community service for dangerous and reckless driving. Case dismissed. A classic case of who is right based on evidence and arguments. May the best man win. Not necessarily the right man!

Forewarning: This is a Fictitious scenario (any resemblance to a true story is purely coincidental).

Most people would not want to be penalized for their disagreements. One may not have to pay a fine upfront for daily misunderstandings. However, emotional costs do exist for the poor execution of disagreements. Disagreements with friends, family, colleagues, employers and authorities.

In consideration of the emotional costs; be the judge and lawyer in your own disagreements. Being a judge entails the task of considering the perspective of both sides as a third party or outsider to your own argument. In fact, two lawyers and two judges exist in any argument; the ultimate outcome being satisfaction for all. This is in stark contrast to legal proceedings, where one party wouldn't mind suing the other party for every penny. In our lives, however, we should focus on what is right as a team. We should not argue against one another trying to prove who is right. We should have sensible discussions where differences in opinion are embraced.

To be fair in any relationship. Its best that we treat others the way we would like to be treated. We expect our opinions to be respected and given fair thought. And, we do the same for others. In addition, have patience to listen to one another. In the courtroom, a judge ensures that things are in order. However, at home, we are essentially the peace keepers; ensuring that we are in control of our emotions at all times. That we do not let our emotions slip out of hand. That could be costly. Sometimes what we say may have more impact that what we do. So, be aware of your mind, your thoughts and the words that they form.

One must be willing to see the world through the perspective lens of others. We do not necessarily have to agree. That would be rather absurd. Instead, we must see their point of view through clear and non-blurry lens.

What is their thought process? What are they meaning to say? Why would they take a particular stand? What could their motivation be? Are they trying to purposely disagree with your opinion?

When we look at the root causes; we may likely realize that their perspective might be due to their own acquired opinions. Opinions that you may interpret as narrow minded or broad minded. Expecting perspectives of others to agree with your own perspective may also make you narrow minded. Instead, give others the benefit of the doubt. Do not be too quick to pass judgements upon others.

Its important to give fair thought to the perspectives of others. Think about their perspective prior to providing your feedback. That would be reason enough for productive conversations. Its important to respect opinions that differ from your own. We all have opinions.

Appreciate that most people are doing the best they can from their own level of awareness. Always be willing to accept people for who they are. Be willing to forgive them without holding grudges. We are the ones who are harming ourselves by holding grudges. This does not mean that we keep making the same mistake over and over. We realize that the mistakes that others have done to us. We take that as a learning lesson. Not as a reason to hate the world.

Any relationship is as good as its individual components. Its paramount that both parties be willing to listen carefully to one another. Be willing to know why the other person is upset. There is nothing more disheartening than a neglectful partner. In addition, its counter productive to become defensive during heated arguments. Instead, redirect your energy towards listening to the other person's perspective. There is an old saying, that the person who speaks the most is usually at fault. Of course, we are referring to negative foreplay. Unlike a court room, our intentions are not to accuse another or to prove them wrong. Its to have your voices heard.

In your disagreements; embody the role of judge and lawyer. It will allow you to gain better understanding of the other person. About their boundaries, morals, values, and pet peeves. Through disagreements we gain valuable insight. Insight about why and what upsets, infuriates, or annoys another.

Make a conscious effort to include the opinions of others in your disagreements. Obviously, some relationships may appear doomed for disaster. Think again. Those relationships may need the interception of third party professionals such as marriage or relationship counselors. There is always a saving grace. You just have to be willing to look for it.

Please make a conscious effort to help others understand your perspective. Walk them through your perspective; help them visualize where you are coming from. Its not an opportunity for passing insulting remarks. However, your effectiveness depends on how willing and able another is in listening to your perspective wholeheartedly. Its important that at any given point; you do not allow yourself to be overcome with negative emotion. In addition, its best not to blame others or take part in any negative foreplay. Accept and embrace differences in opinion. Take turns walking through one another's perspectives.

Its natural for us to understand why we are upset. We do not need convincing of why we are upset, because we are in touch with our inner feelings. Its almost second nature to us. However, for others, it can sometimes be quite challenging. Its not easy for family or anyone for that matter to visualize our perspective; let alone accept it.

When we are overcome with emotions; we become very upset and our thoughts are not as composed. What upsets us even more is the fact that others are not able to understand something that is so crystal clear to us. Its infuriating. No doubt. Nevertheless, we must accept the fact that our perspective are our own. It can be totally new to someone else. Regardless of how long you may have known someone. We are constantly discovering one another.

Others may know that we are upset, but they may not know why we are upset. They may not know the extent of our frustration. The impact that a particular incident has had on us. Its an acquired insight that requires the persistent input of another. An acquired understanding of another human being does not happen by itself. It takes time and effort from your part. That is exactly why the first few years of marriage can be quite challenging and emotionally taxing. However, rest assured, that it does become easier down the road.

When you disagree; you should redirect your energy towards teaching others your perspective. Your intended purpose is not to show others how you react when you are out of your composed shell. Its not an enlightening experience. If they have seen you mad once; they have seen it once to many. It becomes rather tedious after a while. Instead, try to make your disagreements interesting and constructive.

STATING YOUR PERSPECTIVE - When addressing your concerns through perspective role play; you are merely stating your perspective in the pronoun form of "I" and not "You". Such as, "I am upset, because I feel that I am not important. I want to be a part of the important household purchases. I would have preferred to wait until a sale to buy it so that it would be more cost effective. We both could have used some of that money towards a romantic vacation next year."

RESPONDING TO A PERSPECTIVE - After listening, the other partner can apologize or simply state, "I think I understand why you are upset... you are upset because....". This is an effective method for ensuring that you care and understand why the other person is upset. Similarly, your partner has an opportunity to correct your interpretation of their perspective. Upon addressing these initial perspectives; you can address your perspective. Its a constructive cycle. This by definition is a constructive resolution to a disagreement. It doesn't always have to be so linear and boring. However, I am sure that you would agree that this is a far better alternative to two adults expressing their vocal range. Saying things that they would later regret.

Outside the courtroom, we reach fair resolutions through constructive note taking. We listen to the fair exchange of perspectives between individuals. For instance, when I disagree with my spouse. And I am at fault (for the most part) or partly; I readily apologize. Of course, apologizing for the sole purpose of ending an argument or avoiding the fair exchange of perspectives is not justified. Apologize with honesty. Realize that you made a mistake. Most likely, your spouse would also apologize for her minor contribution to the situation. And as the story goes... the case is dismissed.

As such, arguments allow for a greater insight into the other person's thought process. Both individuals are in a better position to handle future disagreements. Its constructive and effective. Perhaps, a precedent can be set for a particular type of disagreement. As such, the next time a similar situation arises; bang - you can use this as a fair example. An example for how you both came to a mutual and fair conclusion. For instance, if the situation was that your spouse went out and purchased a flat screen TV without your knowing. Then you might use the precedent set previously for all big ticket items as an explanation for your discontent.

Why not give perspective role play a good try before turning down your swords? Its your relationship that is at stake here. Not your ego. You have to believe that its worth fighting for. If not, any argument will most likely lead to more friction than understanding. Its true that we receive onto us what we put forth into this universe.

Its a learning experience. Its not a game where the one with the loudest voice wins. Its not about winning at all costs. You may win an argument, because you choose to do as you will. However, in the long run you both lose; because your relationship loses.

Please invest in preserving the emotional fabric of a relationship by learning to embrace perspective role play.