Taking Care of Elderly Parents: Practical Help

The parents of our generation have a substantial role. They have to balance their responsibilities towards their elderly parents and their growing children. It requires that they play a dual role. Being in this kind of sandwich generation can be mutually rewarding as well as challenging for everyone involved. Sometimes, in certain situations, we may favor a parent for the sake of a child, and likewise. We should be careful that these compromises are not unjustified.

When we take care of our parents; we are teaching our children about character, humanity and compassion. Taking care of our parents can be rewarding and beneficial to ourselves, our parents and our children. However, we should be careful that we not over extend ourselves far too much that we neglect our own children.

In a perfect world, we could easily cater to our parents needs with full satisfaction and without any regret or guilt. The reality is far from that. We cannot expect to achieve the best results in all aspects of our relationships. We have to be willing to make fair compromises with results that are not so perfect. We have to accept those results with a grain of salt. The most important thing to know is that we did the best that we could based on our abilities. And that we were fair.

We cannot set unrealistic expectations. To be the perfect child, parent, spouse, sibling or employee. We have to prioritize our time so we satisfy the most important goals towards our relationships.

However, the word prioritize does not mean that as parents, we neglect our immediate and absolute responsibilities. We cannot ignore certain situations saying that it is too demanding. We should be fair in how we prioritize our time. We should not purposely neglect one side for the other's sake.

Being an effective and considerate caregiver means that we seek assistance when necessary. When my mother was unable to perform many simple tasks; we were fortunate enough to receive constructive advice from family and friends in similar situations.

A close friend of my sibling, for instance, was devastated when her mother was terminally ill. She felt that she could not manage a full time position while taking full care of her mother's needs. She took a temporary leave of absence in order to be present at home. She spent many hours with her mother. However, most of her time was spent catering to the physical needs. Needs that any caregiver could have easily provided.

Her unfortunate circumstances were further propagated by the fact that her mother was very independent. She was Independent, not in the traditional sense, but rather, she was particular that her personal space not be intruded upon. She did not appreciate receiving assistance from caregivers and was adamant that she tend to her own needs as best she can.

A few months later, her mother passed away and the daughter returned to work. She mourned her mother's passing. However, the daughter was soon after diagnosed with a dislocated vertebral disc. She had chronic pain due to the fact that she overextended herself. The daughter later confessed to my sister that she wished she spent her time more wisely with her mother. She wished she was more emotionally available to her mother, rather than only to her physical needs.

Being a caregiver to a parent requires effort, compassion and patience. It is more challenging when a parent is unable to perform many basic household duties.

In these situations; it is advisable that one seek assistance through various caregiver services. Caregivers can provide us with feedback on our parent's well being at the end of the day and can be a great support system during this emotional time.

However, one has to have the financial means to afford professional services. But, there are many affordable non-professionals that may be just as effective. These compassionate folks may not have the professional designation, but may have been trained in another nation. These caregivers can help you prioritize your time so that you can spend quality time with your parents and children.

Perhaps family and relatives can lend a helping hand to reduce the load. We shouldn't feel that an extended leave of absence is the only viable option for our ailing parents; unless its a temporary solution.

However, if one must take time off, then they should do so under certain conditions. They must be realistically aware of their limitations and strengths. Can they handle the emotional and physical demands involved?

And if they cannot, then it could likely lead towards a negative result. A result that can adversely effect the well being of the parent and the caregiver. For instance, the caregiver may project their frustrations at the parent. And, the parent may become a victim of emotional abuse and likewise. As such, its best that we think things through clearly before we make abrupt emotional decisions. Its best to also consult others who have been in similar situations so we can gain more insight beforehand.

Regardless of the situation. We should set priorities in our relationships. Priorities based on how we can effectively use our time to benefit ourselves, our parents, our children, our spouses and our employers. Obviously, we are looking for optimal results here. We want to achieve goals in the most crucial aspects of our relationships.

We have to negotiate these parameters beforehand to arrive at a conclusion. A conclusion about what we are willing to compromise and what we are not. We have to also realize that certain aspects of our life are non-negotiable such as our quality time with our children. This is especially true when our children are too young to understand our responsibilities. They may become emotionally withdrawn from us if we neglect them for an extended time period. So, we should take necessary precaution and nurture their souls.

Similarly, we should also prioritize our time with our ailing parents. That does not mean that we carry them down the stairs everyday for breakfast. Instead, we should spend our time talking to them as adults and connecting with them at an emotional level. Its important that we do not isolate them from our daily lives.

We should keep them involved, but we do this in a realistic manner. For example, we should not needlessly force them to come along with us on road trips that are too physically demanding. And we should not expect them to handle the outdoors during a heat alert, and so on.

We should set realistic goals that can be achieved on a frequent basis. Such as having thoughtful conversations with them while we cook dinner. Perhaps we should have them involved in our routine house calls. Anything can make a difference. Please don't feel that you have to dedicate a solid two hours to have quality conversations. A few minutes on occasion can do wonders.

The important thing is that we don't neglect our parents. Parents who were patient with us when we were vulnerable. Parents who helped us raise our own children as grandparents. In fact, some grandparents act as parents to our children. As such, when we have appointments, we should have the courtesy to inform our parents in advance.

Aging parents, sometimes behave like children. And so we cannot always look at them the same way as we do for adults. We should be sensitive to their emotional needs. A caregiver can easily tend to their physical needs. They are trained professionally to handle situations with older adults. Many of them are also really good at engaging the elderly in conversation.

However, there is nothing that can ever replace the love we can show them. A few minutes that we spend with our parents conversing about nonsense can mean more to them than the countless hours with a well-rounded caregiver. For instance, my mother asked that her caregiver not arrive on the days that I visited; so she could converse with me without being interrupted. That evening and many others meant a lot to her. And also to me. As children we should never underestimate the importance of our presence when it comes to our parents.

Parents who are home for the most part of their day look forward to spending time with us. Just as we are anxious to see our children at the end of a working day. Its the same dynamics at play here.

My mother would wait in anticipation of my arrival. She looked out the window every so often; wondering if I would walk into the house at any moment. And so, it seems only fair, that when you are late; that you let them know.